Once I said I will fill your heart shaped hole
How was I to know it was already filled with coal
Not a word spoken, a messaged left
Unwounded, virgin flesh you theft

Violently ripped straight from my breast
and now i become so like the crest
that you bear with so much pride
Heartless, your alter ego, you abide

Abandoned and left for dead
now there is emptiness in your stead.
Should have known better-- what to expect
Different face, different time, but same standard kept.



I hope you're happy.
I am the female Heartless.
I hope you're happy.
I am filled with hate and anger
I hope you're happy.
My heart is an empty hole.

I hope you're fucking happy.

Instead of talking things out, you ran.

Coward.

Childish coward.

Cling to your heartless persona.
Its the only thing you have.

The only thing that will have you.

I hate you just as much as you hate me.

Just as much.

I FUCKING hate you.

me:

I love rain. End of story.

So, this shot was taken today. Really sweet guy. Asked me out for drinks. hah!

Maybe I will.

I've been so busy, I'm going out of my mind. I need a break to move the rest of my crap.. lol

I'll show you some really amazing work that I shot the other night... you'll be blown away. The problem is I have alot of editing to do because the model is a little older. Still really amazing though. Stay tuned! :)

Her fist clenched into a ball as she drew her arm back and with a crunch of bone and skin pounding against wood the door to her room flew open.

Forgotten to give her his number?

BULLSHIT

She had given him her number.

Wants to hang out?

FUCKING BULLSHIT.

He would have called. Would have been more open to her email.

Really liked her.

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT

All of it was bullshit, but what pissed her off more than of all of that was how upset she felt-- All the rejection swirling around that whole encounter. How he had used her and how he had left her. And how after three weeks it still made her want to weep uncontrobly and seek out any sort of affection from someone--anyone. She just wanted to replace the emipitness he caused with something.

She hated him. No one was suppose to use her. No one was suppose to treat her like that, but he had done it again. He had sucuessfully repeated an underlining pattern in her sad little life.

Her knuckles throbbed, but she drew her fist back once more and slammed it against the door. The mirror hanging off the back fell to the carpet.

God, she hated him.

She hated him and his perfect little face. His perfect little body, his perfect smile and she hated the way she remembered the look on his beautiful little face looking down at her from their embrace.

Fuck. She hated him.

She clenched her fist again and a sharp pain seized up in her pinky. She looked down to see it bent at an awkward angle.

Great, she sprained it.

Just one of the many things damanged by this boy who didnt give one flying fuck about her.

She hated him.

...Was fucking awesome. Played all my favvy songs. And when they played "The Warmth" I nearly cried.

People who don't like Incubus are super lame.

So, two people hit on me. One was this guy with is douchey friends who were moshing for really no reasons... most incubus songs arent really Moshing song... but he was trying to get me to sit on his shoulders and than tried to dance with me and all this other weird stuff. Than this girl (who I assume was gay) was trying to get me to dance with her by rubbin up on me. the best part is she was there with some people that go to my same school. I think I go to school with her hah.

I was known as that loud annoying chick that broke everyone's ear drums.

I had no idea Brandon Boyl was so Fing hot... whole new respect for Incubus! lol

Yeah, I'm so glad I got pit tickets.

Headed to work than LA for the rave tonight.

first shopping :D

lol you can see parts of my rave outfit for tomorrow

I smile at myself every time I look at my old entries, but sometimes I wonder about all the entries I've deleted over the years. What insight into my mind do they provide that I can no longer see? hrm. To bad I cant travel into the digital deleted and forgotten realm of internet blackness to retrieve said entries. hah

I was actually quite the insightful kid... at least into my own little world/way. Not to brag, but I feel like I was a better writer than than I am now. I'm going to try to write every day now. Maybe this will help in this crazy depressing moods I've been harboring.

I always tell people that I think in story terms-- well I better start writing those stories out.

Since I havent shared a pic in god knows how long... took it today. o_O;

Pff. Fuck anyone who doesnt think I'm good enough. I have freckles. That makes me awesome.

I feel beyond cheated. When we're kids, we're made all these promises about how kind and honorable men are suppose to be towards you. We've spent years culminating this fantasy of men and how they're suppose to treat you and love you to only realize when you become of age that they're nothing like how you imagined. While you spent your childhood dreaming about a man sweeping you off your feet, a man who will always do his best to take care of you-- All he ever thought about was catching toads and lizards-- which is something I also found time to do. I guess women are natural born multitaskers.

But I digress.

Where are the nice guys in this town? but I've lived alot of places and they're all lacking nice guys. Its not that I lack attention from the opposite sex, it just seems like i get the wrong kind and I'm stuck trying to figure out what signals I'm sending out to the world that basically says "FUCK WITH ME. I SOMEHOW DESERVE THIS"

In the past 24 hours, I've been stood up, called up for a one night stand, emotionally abused by an ex, and my roommate was nice enough to stumble home drunk at 3 in the morning to inform me that I'm a complete idiot for not being his girlfriend.

In the past month a school administrator was nice enough to try to kiss me, my boyfriend leaves me, my best friend's boyfriend hits on me, one of my guy friends grabbing my ass and flat out asked for sex and I'm sure there's several other clusterfucks I've chosen not to remember.

The man of my dreams somehow alludes me once again. Its not that i ask for much either. Just treat me how you would want to be treated-- like a human being.

I guess I deserve this in some way. Perhaps I'm paying off the debt of karma from another life or maybe even this life.

I fully understand that I'm getting this type of negative attention because those are the signals I'm somehow sending out into the world. I just wish I could change whatever those signals are because I'm having a hard time figuring it out.

Since we last spoke, I survived another Santa Barbara fire disaster, went to NIN, two raves, one good roll and one really bad one. A car accident, death of my dog, death of my grandfather, allergic reaction to thai food, an administrator hitting on me, getting a job, quitting, getting rehired. Failing two classes, boyfriend leaving me, making out with my best guy friend and many other things I'm sure I've forgotten or chosen not to remember.

In the next month I plan(in no particular order) on shooting a very famous model, going to a Bill Maher taping, going to the 4th of july bondage ball, Incubus concert, another rave(maybe two), moving in with my best friend, doing more molly, having sex (hopefully. havent gotten any in months!), cooking something with artichokes, getting a dinning room table, getting a car

and I'm sure plenty of other things

w00t.

I wonder if I'll ever be good enough for anyone. So far, every person I've ever loved has left me.

This is a journal of regrets. Anytime I feel particularly remorseful about how somethings has turned out in my life, I revert to the journal. I guess thats what journals are. A release for whatever ales the soul. When I'm happy, I dont blog as much as I should. I should be journaling everything of my life, not just the dramatics. And oh, how does it get dramatic especially since I think of half of my life in movie form.

I've learned one thing about myself, thankfully. I love just way to much.

People dont understand it. I dont even understand it.
But I just flow with it. And I rise and fall with the things that follow.

Sigh.

Jake appeared in my life out of no where, straight from left field, and I love him for what he's already done for me. He's brought out some amazing traits in myself, and in an amazingly good way he's a lot like me. the same lust for adventure, the same gentle spirit, the same want for greatness. The dorkiness, the love of photography, the same happy go lucky nature. He's just awesome.

He was there for me when no one else was and when I was left in utter disarray. He was there to let me cry on his shoulder. Good man.

And he took me snow boarding. cuz he's that cool.

Today we were in Venice beach, him shooting a holablod with a Polaroid back and me dressed all 60's mod. It was raining cats and dogs, but we shot, had fun and went running through the empty boardwalk back to our car hand-in-hand chased by the down pouring rain.

I just love to picture that. Its one of those 'movie moments' in life. I'll remember that one forever + a day.

Oh, and the sex we have is AMAZING :)

Here's a picture of us: http://photos-h.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-snc1/v2065/214/70/1020750320/n1020750320_30143863_8480.jpg

I'm waiting on the shots from today. There are some good ones to be scene.

Dear Josh,

I know this mean absolutely nothing to you and I know how embittered you feel regarding me, but I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for everything you did for me. I love you so much for it. I love you for taking care of me and my only regret is that our worlds weren't closer.

We would have been beautiful.

You're beautiful.

I miss you and what we shared.

WHY DO I FUCKING ALLOW MYSELF TO BE HURT LIKE THIS?

I have to stop leaving holes open for people, because they only hurt me.

I only have this to say: IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME. Like you say you do. STOP HURTING ME. Thats how you can prove your manhood to me.

Its only after 11pm or later, when all of our other friends disappear off facebook, that you send me a message. I like to think of it as you making sure that we can be alone to talk-- just the two of us, but I imagine the truth of it is you reaching out to the last person left online to escape your family.

You're still back home while most of us have returned to Santa Barbara and things have never been happy or pleasant there. They are not the same way you are and being there has always been draining and hard. Harsh, you said.

That's why you were drinking last night. That's why you took your Aunt's crappy wine and disappeared into a numb world. That's what you said to me.

I'm not the brightest person in the world, the most charming or the subtlest, but I am honest, and I am kind and I tried to comfort you. You said you didn't want to live anymore, because your parents thought you a failure.

Its no secret your life has been tough, I told you. But you can't drown yourself like this. You have so many things to live and strive for.Sometimes even the smallest, dumbest things in life are worth living for. Art will probably be the thing that saves your life.

Fuck your family, I said. If you can't count on them, than fuck them. There are many people out there that you can rely and count on. There are people out there that care about you and want you to succeeded. They will support you when everyone else fails.

There are so many wonderful things about you, I had said. Happiness isnt easy to attain when a past has been so polluted with pain. I too, know how horrible it feels. but you can't live half a life.

'This is true.' You typed it out slowly. Or at least I imagined that you did, because it took you a while to respond. "But I want to forget about all this shit. So, I drink to drown myself away from it all. So what?. let me destroy myself to make myself feel better, cause I just need some thing different for some momentary time"

The conversation was quickly going south.

I can't stop you. I hate to see you hurt, but I can't stop you. I guess sometimes things need to be destroyed so they can be rebuilt.

You just want to be numb. Thats what you said. You told me to let you be. That you hardly ever ask anything of me and you're asking me now to watch silently as you destroy yourself and hate yourself and escape from yourself. And also let you do things how you do things while you single handedly try to fix your life. Let you be how you are. You dont ask much of me, You said.

This is when your words started to hurt me, because I'm not made of stone and I do care about you whether you like it or not. Thats what friends do.

But you said this is how you are and this is why you're always all over the place, and that its no excuse but thats just you. Lastly you apologized for being you.

In the end all I had left to say was the following: "I'd pump you full of compliments but I think you'd resent me for it. I'd tell you that all feelings don't last, both negative and positive and you need both to feel the other properly or some jazz like that but I know you'll just get more upset with me. I would say I'm not happy that you ignored me for pretty much three weeks, but I'm glad we're at least communicating again-- You'd probably wouldnt respond.

What I will say is:I'm always around. And also: Its past my bed time. So g'night, kiddo. :P"

And I logged off facebook, retired to my bed and tried to explain to myself that you're trying to push me away further than I already am, and though it did hurt for you to do this, I know why you're doing it and its forgivable.

the thing I've learned about you is that you really have to read your action because you hardly ever verbalize what it is you're truly thinking and its never easy to tell what it is you're doing or why you're doing it. Reading your actions is the only clue I really have to the real you.

I feel as though you're scared of me. You told me once that I was unlike any other girl you've ever met.

So all I can do is smile, because otherwise I would cry and you're not allowed to make me cry anymore.

I was walking down state street today when this random guy cruised past on his bike. There was a peace sign shaved into his skull. it was cool and weird looking at the same time.

There is a store that has a Hello Kitty Beach Cruiser. I have dreams about owning that beauty. One day I will... When I don't have an up stairs apartment.

There is an empty lot next to my building. Today big heavy equipment arrived and now there's a hole a story deep and a mound of dirt two stories high. I look out my 2nd floor apartment window and I see them at eye level. Its slightly strange.

I have finally figured out the cause to all of my problems. It sounds completely and utterly crazy, but its the truth and makes a whole bunch of since. Plus it fills me with a calm I haven't experienced in a long while.

I fall in love with everyone I meet.

Because there is a reason to love everyone you meet. There is something about them-- a trait, a quality that fills you with appreciation, admiration, and love towards that person. Why shouldn't you love someone for those things? Why arent you allowed to see the beauty in others and acknowledge it thus?

I've always felt this why but never realized what it actually was. Its obviously landed me a bunch of heartache, trouble, and drama-- especially because I never understood why I was always so hurt by break ups, screw ups, fuck overs or by unreturned feelings. I failed to see the difference between actual 'in love' and the love I'm talking about here. I never even thought as most of it as any kind of love at all.

I spent most of my time trying to figure out what I did wrong. what was wrong with me and why I couldnt fix it all or change it all.

I'm no saint, not the brightest crayon in the box, and not the perfect picture, but I have so much in my heart to give thats beautiful and pure, and so special that I refuse to waste it on one more person that isnt worth it. I refuse to allow myself to ever feel the way I did after my last break up-- utterly worthless, heartbroken, and blaming myself after I was walked on for NO REASON. I refuse to waste my loving energy to help heal someone when they want nothing more than to silently martyr themselves over the past. I REFUSE to be anyone's second choice, last resort, or one night stand. I am not a substitute or pretend for who ever. I am a poor man's nobody. I am worth billions.

I am beautiful. I am loving. I am strong. And there is someone out there that is for me. He is loving, like I am loving. Beautiful just as I am, and strong as my will. He is honest and good, and kind. He'll take care of me just as I'll take care of him. He's out there. He'll show up when he's suppose to.

I hear the request in a soft voice that is more whisper than conversational; had my hearing not been as keen, I would not have heard it above the dull constant noise of the engine as we drove up the shaded street. I am obliged to tune the iPod to ‘brothers on a hotel bed’ by Death Cab for Cutie.

The first rifts of the piano seep out of the speakers and I close my eyes to regard the individual next to me. I imagine him bundled warm with his green plaid scarf and black pea-coat. An oversized white coffee cup filled to the brim with coffee—black, maybe some soy milk mixed in. A plush red chair morphs to his body.

As I Drift away, the beats progress and increase until vocals string
along. I hear another voice chiming in next to me with perfect unison and I smile . Through the fogging window panes of the cozy coffee shop I see drizzle of Seattle’s autumn has left a mop of wet hair clinging to his head. He is scribbling away in his black notebook-- a contemplative expression creasing lines across his brow. What he writes is anyone’s guess. Secrets, wishes, and dreams I would say, but that’s only because that’s what I would be writing. The nostalgia of writing in a secret notebook does not go amiss either.  I know he is happy there. I would be happy there, too.

“Do you also sing?” I ask, breaking away from the visualization. Three instruments I knew he played, base being his favored.
Clearing his throat he says to me “I’ve tried. Not very good”

I smile, identifying the lack of acknowledgment in talent. “From what I’ve heard, you sing well.”

I wish he wouldn’t put himself down so much. I feel as though I've known him for years and not these few short weeks. I recognize so much of myself in him-- The same traits, small habits and quirks, same likes, and I am fond of him.

My smile broadens as he grabs the iPod to thumb through the selection.

I hope we remain good friends. I would miss him

Lying in the grass, I look up at the sky.
I turn my head and watch you from the corner of my eye.

Is this magic, what I feel?
Or is this the realization that everything is real?

It makes no difference, not right now
Its all perfect some how.


Contentment grips me close and keeps me tight
How I wish I could stay here until last light

The moments I never want to end
Are all over before they begin

Like sand they slip through my outstretched hand
In fluid movements you begin to stand

The real world is calling us both
We wave good-bye and I make my silent oath.

To remember this day with you
As the best day I ever knew


___

To bad we're just friends.